how to say it....
Sorry.?
If you know who this is and I know who you are the chances are that I am sorry to you.
Not for everything, and definitely not for all my words, but more or less my actions, or short comings of them.
Does that make sense?
I am sorry for what I did and didn't do,
what I am sure I did wasn't intentional, and to cause you harm was the least of my yearnings.
I wanted happiness and love,
acceptance and friendship.
And I got nothing and panic'ed and ran screaming, flailing arms about acting all...well typical and ruining everything in my path.
It hurt, the words and actions you did.
More then the ones others were doing, saying, putting in your mouth. I always knew when it came from you.
It was always a low hit, with nothing behind it, words had meaning, but not a violent one, not even angry.
I know you don't feel you need to apologize for everything, we share that view.
I am just wanting happiness, love, acceptance and friendship for you.
Even if none of that is from me.
Life hurts, and I am sorry for making that pain stronger, harder to swallow and bitter.
I made it that way for me too.
So again, K.S, sorry. And I hope life has brought you everything you wanted and more. I hope it brought everything we wanted together, but with some one else, maybe better. I hope that even though we don't speak, see or need each other anymore, that we can be civil.
I dream of you, awake to tears and memories and the hardest pain in my heart I've ever felt. In those moments I feel more alone and afraid then I have ever felt, anywhere, with anyone. I cry about what lives we could have together and what a difference we could have made for each other. I want to hug you, and feel the same way we always felt, through all the years and all the memories. I know that won't happen, or ever even become a thought in your mind, whatever I did, I did it to the point of reckoning, and doomed myself to a life lived alone.
Not alone, but without you.
I've lost a lot of my soul to be who I am, perhaps an apology, a fair trade of words, would bring it back. I know that that's a typical thing for me to want. Something from nothing. I lost myself and in trying to find myself again, it's a good step to back track. I keep landing on you.
Sorry, for everything.
Me.
